I recently discovered a diary I kept between the years 2001-2003. In it I found a very descriptive story about how I thought I was going to lose my virginity. I would like to share it all with you on this brisk Los Angeles morning, the 1st of December in the year of our lord 2014 (that’s how you say that right?) Also I would like to point out that I don’t know when in 2001-2003 this was written, but it’s safe to say I was about 12 years old. Enjoy:
I feel like I’m growing up so fast, I can barely keep up. Out of my 17 best friends, already 2 have had… S-E-X… SEX! And well, I just don’t think I’m ready for that you know? Like, shouldn’t it be special? I don’t want to look at the swing sets and think “Oh, I had sex there once,” I would much rather look at like a cool haunted mansion or the parking lot of the Southglenn Mall and think, “Oh! I had sex THERE once!” It would feel much more special.
Honestly though diary… You wanna know how I really would like to lose my virginity? It would be on the most special night of all… The Golden Globes! That’s the one where all the big movie and TV stars sit at tables together drinking and laughing like they are all friends! I will be a movie star someday, and I will be friends with lots of other movie stars! Not to get too off topic, but the first thing I’m gonna do when I become a movie star is buy an iMac computer like the ones we have a school. They’re so much cooler than the dumb computer my mom has at home! iMac is better than Windows 98! I have a feeling it always will be… I think I would choose a pink one.
I’m sitting at one of the front tables. The ones that are on camera the most. There are the biggest stars from movie and TV all around me. Everyone is really nice, especially the cast of Friends. They like it when I tell them it’s my mom and I’s favorite show. I’m sitting next to my boyfriend and co-star Ben Affleck. We’re both nominated that night for our roles in the movie “Pearl Harbor 2: This Time it’s Personal.”
As they are calling out the names of the nominees for “Best Actress in a Drama” Ben squeezes my knee under the table and whispers in my ear “I think you’re going to win.” I look at him and say “don’t jinx it!”, Josh Hartnett is at the table too, he winks at me. He dies in the first Pearl Harbor, but in the second one comes back to play his ghost. I should point out that I know Ben and I are 18 years apart, but nobody thinks it’s weird because everyone really likes me and knows I act old for my age. Anyway, Josh winks at me and then Ben says quietly, “Win or lose, I love you.” and I say, “I love you too.” We kiss sweetly, he’s the best kisser in the world, and then they call my name. I WIN THE GOLDEN GLOBE! I give a heartwarming speech, thanking my mom, my agent, and Ben of course. Then I have a witty banter with Justin Timberlake while announcing another award. Best writer probably, because they usually need REALLY famous people to announce those awards in order to keep everyone’s attention. I think this makes Ben a little jealous, but it’s okay, I would never cheat on Ben Affleck. EVEN with JT who might be the hottest guy in the world right now. My best friend has pencils with his face on it.
When I finally return to my seat, the show goes on commercial break. Ben tells me congrats and tries to pull me away from everyone else really quick. When we finally get alone he says “Hey, I really have been wanting to talk to you about this… I think maybe after the awards tonight we…. we finally do it.” I look at him a little nervous, “But..” “I know, it’s your first time, so I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment, and I think this is it.” I bite my lip “What if it hurts? I don’t know what I’m doing..” and he says “It’s okay, it won’t hurt because you are ready. Trust me, I know what I’m doing” We kiss and then I nod my head, “yes.” We stare at each other for a minute and then Richard Gere accidentally scares us as he is turning a corner. I congratulate him on his work in movie musical Chicago. It’s my favorite movie right now!”
The rest of it is a bunch of VERY inaccurate drawings of what sex looks like and me talking about how excited I am to see Ben Affleck’s new movie Daredevil and how Jennifer Lopez is a fat butted skank.
I’m very glad that I waited to lose my virginity, because by then I knew what I was doing. It was last week with Ron Pearlman’s personal assistant’s personal assistant. He promised me a role on Son’s of Anarchy next season!
Until next time blog.