Hiking Without Headphones: Why 2014 Was The Most Important Year Of My Life.

Today is the first day in a long time where I have absolutely nothing to do. Well until 5PM when I have to go to work. BUT during the day, there are no airport rides I have to give, no auditions I have to go to, no acting classes, no improv practices, no scripts I feel pressed to work on, NOTHING. Just me at home patiently waiting for the UPS guy to deliver me a new iPhone from my insurance company between the hours of 8AM-5PM. I thought to myself, what do I do now? Write a blog? Sure, but later. Binge watch TV? No, that’s what you do when you get home from work and can’t sleep. Hang out with friends? Everyone is gone. Work out? HA yeah ri—Wait. Yeah. Work out.

workoutI haven’t set aside time to work out in about a month now. A pathetic admission that I wish I felt worse about. So I decided to take my dogs hiking and on my way out I came to the crude realization that I did not have headphones. I lost them long ago when I hiked or ran regularly. Some historians argue that losing my headphones in the first place is why I stopped working out, but that is not a solid enough excuse without being paired to a busy schedule. Bravely though, I walked into the world without headphones on and started my hike at Elysian Park.

elysianparkFirst couple things I noticed. I am now only accompanied by the sound of my own breath. Do I always breathe this loud? Am I dying? Maybe I should just close my mouth. Oops no, then I can’t breathe. I also noticed that dogs are assholes. My dogs, other people’s dogs, all of the dogs were kind of assholes. I always take my dogs with me, but I didn’t realize that every dog we passed, both my dogs and theirs would growl a little bit as they went to smell each other… What’s all the tension? A man yelled at another man “Hey! Keep your dogs away from mine man, he’ll fight anything!” Whaaaat?? This took me a long time to process before I was able to give the man who said this the benefit of the doubt in the situation. I thought “Why bring an aggressive dog out on a public hiking trail, covered with other people and their dogs?” Well, I guess aggressive dogs need walks too, but I mean, HERE? Well, maybe he is trying to get the dog accustomed to being in public. Maybe that pit bull is rescued from a life of dog fighting. Okay that guy isn’t too bad. Next time though, scream “Careful with your dogs! Mine is a rescue and sometimes gets freaked out.” You are BASICALLY saying the same things without using the words “My dog will fight anything.” As if your dog is your big drunk friend in a bar that you can’t settle down.

Pit-Bull1As I hiked on I reached the one mile mark. I know this because the Nike Running App on my barely working current iPhone said it very loudly from my boobs where is was lodged in between my two bras. Yeah, I need two sports bras when I run. Fuck you. And then I heard:

“ugh, those apartment are so ugly.”

“What?” I said. And the woman in front of me with a giant sun hat who I was currently trying to pass turned around and pointed out towards the 5 freeway “Those apartments out there. They are so ugly.” and then we walked together and talked for at least 10 minutes. Is that weird? No of course not right? Living in LA for 11 years and being a self centered Millennial has altered my perception on what is normal, polite, friendly behavior and what is just weird. We talked about my iPhone coming in the mail, she told me she lived on the other side of the freeway. She asked if I bought my house in Echo Park, and I actually resisted the urge to lie and told her I just rented an apartment.

ronThis brings up an important side note about me, I highly recommend lying about your life to people you’ll never meet again. Not because you should be afraid of strangers knowing who you really are, just because it’s kind of exciting being a different person for 5-20 minutes. I had my car towed once from WeHo to the valley by AAA and had to sit in the car with this strange tow guy for about 50 minutes in traffic and I lied about EVERYTHING. Why the fuck not? Why can’t I be an engaged chef who lives in Seattle named Joyce? There is no reason I can’t be for that car ride. I’m a trained improvisor and actor and I know how to sell convincing realities. Do I lie to my friends and family? Absolutely not. I don’t even tell too big of lies to people I meet in bars just in case I end up growing to like them by the end of the night. I learned my lesson about that when I needed to have a British accent for and entire night (and the next morning). Random woman in park though? I should have told her I owned a house in Echo Park. But alas, I told her the truth. We reached the point in my hike where I typically start running. I didn’t really feel like running, but considering I was engaged in a small talk conversation with a stranger, and although I should be able to shake my LA rudeness and be able to talk to strangers, I was feeling uncomfortable the entire time. So I said it was very nice meeting her and ran away with my two dogs.

runforrestFrom that point on I couldn’t stop thinking about why she started talking to me in the first place and how lonely it is to be in LA for Christmas. There were more people at the park than I expected, but it dawned on me that this will be my very Christmas with no family whatsoever. My mom’s side of the family is in Washington, Dad’s side in Colorado, and I can’t afford to travel to either this year. My mom usually is in LA for Xmas, but this year she is spending it in Washington because she’s retired and she can do whatever she wants. Even my brother who I barely see isn’t in town and in Phoenix. No boyfriend with a family to spend it with. Plenty of friends who have offered kind open invites to their family gatherings or “Orphan Christmas” parties and I haven’t really decided what I’m going to do. I had a holiday party last week and since then I have sort’ve felt like Christmas was over. I have one friend that I will definitely spend the day with. I didn’t mean to sound depressed. I’m not depressed.

home alone2014 very easily could have been a year I spent depressed the whole time. I went through a pretty life shattering break up in the beginning of the year, followed by a month and a half of couch hopping before finally moving into an apartment that I can’t afford. I changed jobs and changed towns. Keeping some old friends but ultimately having to make a bunch of new ones. My brother fell on hard times resulting in me having a new permanent house guest in the form of his dog Athena. I had to get a new car, which brought on car payments. I have had my heart hurt, and I have hurt others worse. My best friend had a baby this year which made communication more difficult than it already was being three states away. I could go on, but why bother?

Every single thing that happened to me this year was a blessing. That breakup was very difficult to go through, but one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I remembered why I was here, who I was, and what I wanted in life.

Couch hopping proved that I have people in my life that truly truly love me. If I didn’t sleep on my friend Ranko’s couch for two weeks, we would have never pushed each other so hard and made all of the videos and sketches we made this year giving my website and his some actual content. Walking the walk rather than talking the talk.

My new apartment I can’t afford. None of us can afford it. We’re three actresses struggling to pay our bills, but every single moment of it with them has been amazing. These two girls are some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my entire life. The new friends I’ve made in my new Echo Park town have been some of the most incredible people I’ve ever met. I loved them so quickly and felt so accepted as this new, improved, confident, older, and wiser version of myself in the world.

ashpuppa britpuppakristapuppa  shannonpuppa

I do feel bad about the heartache I have brought some this year. I’m not perfect and there are still things about myself I need to improve. Using other people to fill holes in myself or offer distraction to more important problems and emotions is wrong. BUT I’m getting better and karma has already hit me a couple times with some vastly missed connections with other people that have left me feeling less than.

I love my new car, I love Athena, and I love my best friend’s baby. 2014 was perhaps not the best year of my life, but was definitely the most important year of my life. Here is to 2015. May I laugh as much next year as I did this year.

So why did this start? Oh right. Go hiking without headphones. It forces you to be inside your head and think about your life. Whether or not you’ll do something as self indulgent as write an entire blog about it, that’s your business, but let’s remember YOU’RE ON MY FUCKING WEBSITE YOU GOON.

Happy Holidays.



Essay: Writer’s Block

The following “essay” is a glimpse inside my mind when I sit down and attempt to write because I have free time and I know it’s what I’m supposed to be doing. I have filled it with fun gifs to make it more interesting and possibly even more difficult to follow. Happy Holidays to all you fucks who make it look so easy.

Here I am… I have the morning off. Four more free hours before I have to go to work at my job. My stupid stupid job. I have to write something…

writingWrite write write. I’m hungry? Maybe I could write more if I had some food. Like a hot sandwich… Oof, but I should be dieting to an extent no? WRITE SOMETHING. Taco salad could be good. Does anyone deliver taco salads? The Thai place down the street delivers… And I suppose the pizza places do too and they technically have salads.

tacoWORDS. I could just order take out. That would only require leaving for 15 minutes tops. If I’m quick enough I might not even have to change out of my pajamas. Pilot script about pajamas? A pair of hilarious pajamas starts their new job at an office…

jimMy hair isn’t dirty yet I don’t think. You’re really not supposed to wash it everyday anyway. My holiday party is tomorrow, I need to shave my legs before then. A girl goes to a holiday party and meets the love of her life. Been done. A lot. Someone just texted me saying they can’t come to the holiday party. One less person showing up. Girl goes to holiday party, gonna meet the love of her life, but then he cancels last minute because of work and they never meet. What the fuck is that? I’m just writing two seperate stories about people who are soulmates? That’s dumb.

holidaypartyA movie about a holiday party that didn’t have a cheese plate because the person in charge of that cancelled the day before, then a radioactive waste can flies through the window and infects everyone inside. They wouldn’t have been infected had they eaten cheese because that is the antidote. So now they have super powers… If I had super powers I would rob banks. Not hurt anybody, just… Not have to go to my stupid job. And to buy a bunch of salads so I don’t have to move when I want to eat one. That movie idea wouldn’t work. It’s silly. Plus too many main characters.

noI have 12 guests coming to my holiday party. I could clean my apartment.

dustWRITE. If I ditched the idea of a salad I could just order a pizza and be done with it. Wait no, then I’m ditching my idea of a diet. A sketch about pizza that makes you thin because it’s made completely of laxatives and caffeine.

stoppoopingMy dogs are dumb. I have turkey burgers in my fridge. I should just make one of those… Oh I have hummus too. And an uncut cucumber. Hummus, turkey burger, cucumbers. What to write… I think it’s time to write the treatment for the dart movie… God dammit the dart movie…  No. Not yet. YES. Where am I? I’m going to bed.


Essay: How I imagined losing my virginity…

I recently discovered a diary I kept between the years 2001-2003. In it I found a very descriptive story about how I thought I was going to lose my virginity. I would like to share it all with you on this brisk Los Angeles morning, the 1st of December in the year of our lord 2014 (that’s how you say that right?) Also I would like to point out that I don’t know when in 2001-2003 this was written, but it’s safe to say I was about 12 years old. Enjoy:

“Dear Diary,

I feel like I’m growing up so fast, I can barely keep up. Out of my 17 best friends, already 2 have had… S-E-X… SEX! And well, I just don’t think I’m ready for that you know? Like, shouldn’t it be special? I don’t want to look at the swing sets and think “Oh, I had sex there once,” I would much rather look at like a cool haunted mansion or the parking lot of the Southglenn Mall and think, “Oh! I had sex THERE once!” It would feel much more special.

Southglenn Mall formerly located in Centennial, CO. Demolished in 2006.

Honestly though diary… You wanna know how I really would like to lose my virginity? It would be on the most special night of all… The Golden Globes! That’s the one where all the big movie and TV stars sit at tables together drinking and laughing like they are all friends! I will be a movie star someday, and I will be friends with lots of other movie stars! Not to get too off topic, but the first thing I’m gonna do when I become a movie star is buy an iMac computer like the ones we have a school. They’re so much cooler than the dumb computer my mom has at home! iMac is better than Windows 98! I have a feeling it always will be… I think I would choose a pink one.

imac1999Anyways, I’m at the Golden Globes. Its hosted by Nick Lachey from 98 degrees. SO CUTE.

nick lacheyI’m sitting at one of the front tables. The ones that are on camera the most. There are the biggest stars from movie and TV all around me. Everyone is really nice, especially the cast of Friends. They like it when I tell them it’s my mom and I’s favorite show. I’m sitting next to my boyfriend and co-star Ben Affleck. We’re both nominated that night for our roles in the movie “Pearl Harbor 2: This Time it’s Personal.”

pearl harborAs they are calling out the names of the nominees for “Best Actress in a Drama” Ben squeezes my knee under the table and whispers in my ear “I think you’re going to win.” I look at him and say “don’t jinx it!”, Josh Hartnett is at the table too, he winks at me. He dies in the first Pearl Harbor, but in the second one comes back to play his ghost. I should point out that I know Ben and I are 18 years apart, but nobody thinks it’s weird because everyone really likes me and knows I act old for my age. Anyway, Josh winks at me and then Ben says quietly, “Win or lose, I love you.” and I say, “I love you too.” We kiss sweetly, he’s the best kisser in the world, and then they call my name. I WIN THE GOLDEN GLOBE! I give a heartwarming speech, thanking my mom, my agent, and Ben of course. Then I have a witty banter with Justin Timberlake while announcing another award. Best writer probably, because they usually need REALLY famous people to announce those awards in order to keep everyone’s attention. I think this makes Ben a little jealous, but it’s okay, I would never cheat on Ben Affleck. EVEN with JT who might be the hottest guy in the world right now. My best friend has pencils with his face on it.

justinNsyncWhen I finally return to my seat, the show goes on commercial break. Ben tells me congrats and tries to pull me away from everyone else really quick. When we finally get alone he says “Hey, I really have been wanting to talk to you about this… I think maybe after the awards tonight we…. we finally do it.” I look at him a little nervous, “But..” “I know, it’s your first time, so I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment, and I think this is it.” I bite my lip “What if it hurts? I don’t know what I’m doing..” and he says “It’s okay, it won’t hurt because you are ready. Trust me, I know what I’m doing” We kiss and then I nod my head, “yes.” We stare at each other for a minute and then Richard Gere accidentally scares us as he is turning a corner. I congratulate him on his work in movie musical Chicago. It’s my favorite movie right now!”

The rest of it is a bunch of VERY inaccurate drawings of what sex looks like and me talking about how excited I am to see Ben Affleck’s new movie Daredevil and how Jennifer Lopez is a fat butted skank.


I’m very glad that I waited to lose my virginity, because by then I knew what I was doing. It was last week with Ron Pearlman’s personal assistant’s personal assistant. He promised me a role on Son’s of Anarchy next season!

Until next time blog.