To all the agents I just submitted to:

Hey there, it’s me, Cassandra Cardenes. You might remember me from the email you were just looking at that got you to my website. Just wanted to say, thanks for stopping by, and that I’m gonna go workout right now. Total fitness buff, that’s me. I know, I know, in my pictures I look slightly over weight… No, I’ll say my weight is ambiguous, BUT HEY this is Hollywood right? Nothing a blur tool couldn’t fix! Just totally working out all the time over here on the other side of the spectrum. You keep doing business, I’ll just keep on pumping iron.

This is me. I'm ALWAYS tan.
100% me. I’m ALWAYS tan.

You know what else I always totally do? Read plays. FUCK, I love me a good play. I can reference at least two if the right moment comes up. I can also tell you that I like Steve Martin as a playwright. I mean, did you read Picasso and the lipone agile eer whatever. I did (in highschool)! It’s about… some really relevant stuff.

OH and did I mention I spend thousands of dollars a month on acting classes? You teach it, I LEARN IT. And I go to every casting workshop. Like all of them! I’m also a house team member at every improv theater in LA. If you’re looking for my picture, it’s tough to find at first because I usually use the stage names Michaela Watkins or Drew Spears.

http://losangeles.ucbtheatre.com/talent/view/25976

By the way, I’m not Lena Dunham or the actress that plays Raven Simone’s best friend in the beloved Disney channel show “That’s so Raven”. I can understand the immediate confusion but I am neither of those women. Unless you want me to be.

chelsea

So that’s me in a nutshell, my apologies if this is all old news, to be frank I did just copy this excerpt from my 7 page cover letter sent with all my hard copies. I hope to hear back very soon. Be the stepping stone in making me famous enough to need to find different representation!

With love,

Cassandra

 

P.S. holy shit this is all sarcasm… I included this in case industry professionals don’t get jokes. Please want me, I need to work. I’m so fucking ready. I’ll suck your dick.

 

P.P.S. Whoa. Super sorry about that. But hey, if your agency has a literary division, would you like ALL of my scripts as well?? Your assistant was kind of snobby so I was afraid to ask. Maybe buy them lunch more often and they’ll cheer up? I don’t know, I’m not here to tell you how to do your job. IF I WERE I’D BE SUBMITTING MYSELF AMIRIGHT?

 

P.P.P.S. I really am gonna go workout right now.

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